Parenting

This week we have been discussing parenting. I have really enjoyed the discussions and I wish that I could some how retain and remember all the information so that I can use it in the future when I actually have children! I'm terrified I'll forget all that I learned and be a terrible parent! One thing that has stuck out to me the most was a line shared by someone that I have heard in the past:

The test for Godhood is parenthood.

I really love this. It is very true. God is the ultimate father. He guide's His children through life with love. I think one of the best parenting programs we can follow is God's example and how He has parented. I don't know how He does it. I can't imagine watching my children struggle and lose their way. I am excited to be a parent but also so afraid! I can't imagine the ache that is felt when a child strays. But on the other side there is also the joy in watching your children succeed.

Obviously I don't know a whole lot about parenting since I've never been a parent. But I do feel lucky to have had the opportunity to take these classes and learn things that I may not have learned otherwise. I have also been greatly blessed to have a mom and dad who strive to be good parents and have taught me so much! I am very lucky!!!! Thanks Mom and Dad for being great parents!

Relationships

I wanted to post something that I learned at my Stake Conference this past weekend. It really struck me and it applies to the family so I thought that I would share it.

Elder Chambers of the seventy presided over my stake conference and he gave a talk about strengthening 3 types of relationships

Our relationship as a son or daughter of God

The husband and wife relationship

Father and Mother relationship

All three of these relationships are outlined in the Proclamation to the World. What stood out to me the most was that he mentioned three gathering places; Home, Church, and the Temple. He then said that it is in the Home that relationships are created, at Church where relationships are perfected, and in the Temple that relationships are exalted. I thought that was so cool. It all begins in the home but attending church and the temple are also so important to the building and strengthening of relationships.

Submitting to God's Will

Today we talked about submitting our will to God's. Easier said than done sometimes. We so often want to make our own choices and we think we know what is best. But when we fight against the Lord we are just making it harder for ourselves. When we submit our will to God's that is when we can begin to feel peace. As we fight against Him there is no peace or comfort. But once we finally make the decision to turn the matter over to God then we feel the overwhelming peace and love. After we have made that transition we can also receive help from our Heavenly Father. The help can come from people in our lives or it can be added strength to press on. If we don't humble ourselves before the Lord and submit our will to His in all things then sometimes He compels us to be humble. The Lord sometimes must bend our knees for us. Let's not be like that. Don't wait for the Lord to compel you to be humble. Fall to your knees NOW and seek to know His will in your life. Heavenly Father is eager to help us and to give us the blessings we deserve when we are righteous. Don't miss out on opportunities for growth and learning by stubbornly fighting against the Lord's will. And like I said in the beginning submitting our will to God's is often easier said than done. But then again, who said life would be easy or fair? No one. If it were we wouldn't grow. So we must press forward with faith in Christ, knowing that if we are doing what is right everything will work out.

Keep the Big Picture in Front of You

Challenges, trials, and hardships will come to every family. We can't always prevent them from happening. What we can do is decide how we will respond to the crisis. The Chinese symbol for danger placed next to the Chinese symbol for opportunity equals crisis. A crisis is an opportunity for growth and learning. And it is up to us as individuals and families to make the decision of whether we will grow or digress.

So how do we deal with crises when they cross our path? Be positive. Don't dwell on the negative. Have an eternal perspective. This is hard when we are living in the moment. It's difficult to see past the problem and realize that there is a solution, there is an ending, peace will come either in this life or the next. Decide what can be learned from the situation. The Lord will never give us a hardship that we cannot handle. And we have the agency and ability to decide how we will respond. So try and see the Lord's view. Take a step back and look at the whole picture.

The New Family

This past week we discussed the new family. A newly married couple and the tasks they have to perform. We also discussed introducing a new baby into the family and how to avoid the baby blues. A newly married couple has many tasks that they must perform. They have to establish patterns, create boundaries, and learn how to resolve conflicts just to name a few. It is crucial that a couple create their own family unit. A man and a woman both leave their families to make their own, but sometimes they don't separate themselves completely. If this cutting of the strings doesn't happen then it could cause problems in the future. I'm not saying that a new couple shouldn't still have connections with their families but they need to establish their own patterns and rules for their household. One can't always be running back home in order to resolve conflict. It can be difficult and sometimes the extended family has a hard time letting go but it is so important that they let the new couple create their own family unit.

A couple may finally be situated and have their patterns established when a new baby is born. This new baby will tip all of that upside down. Brand new patterns must be developed and there is a rearranging of boundaries. There is a baby to bond with now. We discussed how often dads get left out of the process. The father needs to know that he is important and he should be involved in as much events as possible. Something else that often happens during this time is that the extended family becomes too enmeshed. While it is important to involve the extended family it shouldn't be to the point where the father feels left out. What often happens is that the wife becomes greatly attached to her mother, sisters, aunts, or other during this time. The wife may spend more time away from home visiting her mother and then the husband doesn't get the time to bond with baby and mom. I know that I have seen this happen to people in my own life. Children can bring a couple closer or it can break them apart. It all depends on how they handle it. Outside help is often very beneficial but the basic unit of the family sometimes becomes too absorbed with people outside the unit. While this time is a joyous time after a while reality sets in and that is when the couple will struggle. And when the crisis or trial comes that is an opportunity for the new family to grow and become stronger. The strong and functional family is intentional. Be intentional. The new family needs to recognize that they need to be their own unit and the extended family needs to realize and allow the new family to do just that. It won't be easy, but then again nothing really ever is. But it will help the family to develop stronger ties to each other and become a better family. It is a growing experience for everyone.

Quote

There is a quote that my teacher has quoted a couple times in class that has really stood out to me. I can't remember who said it first but I believe it was a psychologist or therapist.

"Love is the degree to which we are committed to somebody's spiritual growth and well being"

I absolutely love this! There are so many different kinds of love and often the love we feel for someone changes throughout a relationship. I think that it is easy, in the beginning of a relationship, to get caught up in passionate love or eros which is a Greek word for the type of love between a man and woman, it's romantic and has a longing to be with the other. But when we truly love someone we are concerned about their well-being and not what we can get out of the relationship. This can be a love for a spouse, friend, child, or other family member. Are we striving to help them become a better person? Do we want the best for them? Often this gets overlooked in a relationship that only has passion because we are only thinking about what we will get out of the relationship. When we get past the passion we can see the person for who he or she really is. Not just an object of our desire.

The love that the above quote describes is a companionate love. This is a love in which you see and know the other person's faults and weaknesses but you love them anyways. The couple works together to make each other better and doesn't place one or the other on a pedestal. There are shared goals and a process of building and support. The difficult thing is that the media sells us passionate love. Movies, books, songs, and many other sources lead us to believe that passionate love will last forever and that the physical is all that is needed. Through the media Satan sells us these lies and sometimes we buy it. But to have a relationship that will last we need companionate love, a love in which we are concerned about the other person's spiritual, mental, and physical needs. The couple that shares a companionate love can build a marriage and a family on a strong foundation. And it is the family that is so important to society. And it is the family that Satan is striving to destroy and one of his tactics is by making us believe that passionate love, the physical attraction and lust, is all that is needed. When in reality it is just a factor, there is so much more.

I would encourage everyone to evaluate their relationships and discover what kind of love those relationships are based on. And then remember to forget yourself and love others, be concerned with their lives and what they are striving for. And whether it is a friendship, family relationship, or a relationship with a significant other, strive to build each other up and make each other better.

3 Ps

We talked about dating and courtship a couple weeks ago. And I know that a few from the class have already blogged about this but I found it really interesting. Often people look to the guy to initiate a date and can't remember which General Authority said this but he said that a date should have 3 Ps

• Planned Ahead
• Paired Off
• Payed for

I think those are great guidelines. We talked about how important these three elements are in a date because it allows for a couple to really get to know each other by spending time together and participating in an activity, not just "hanging out". Well, Brother Williams, then compared these three Ps to the roles of the father outlined in The Proclamation to the World. They are preside, protect, and provide. The six Ps parallel each other perfectly! It was a connection I'd never seen before!

Planned ahead and preside. If a man can plan a date and be prepared then he should be able to preside over a family. He knows how to plan things and he is prepared for what may happen.

Paired off and protect. When a couple is paired off a man needs to protect his date not only from physical danger but also spiritually. Is he willing to walk out of the movie with you? Does he respect you enough to not make you do anything you don't want or shouldn't be doing?

Payed for and provide. By paying for the date the man has shown that he can provide.

While some of these things may not be apparent in the first date as a couple gets to know each other they will discover more and more about each other. I thought this connection was very interesting and a new way to look at dating. The patterns established during dating will show in the marriage and that includes finances and planning. It is through dating that you find out what kind of marriage partner the other will be.

Cohabitation

Lately we have been discussing finding a mate and marriage. On Friday we talked a little about cohabitation. It is now considered norm, over half Americans cohabitate before marriage. I know a few people who cohabitate especially those I graduated with. And I've always thought that if I wasn't Mormon and didn't have the knowledge and standards I do then I would probably cohabitate with a significant other (shhhh) But on Friday I learned some statistics about cohabitation that I would've never suspected. For Example...

Cohabitating Couples...

• have higher divorce rates (among those who later marry)
• have lower quality of relationships
• there is a greater risk of abuse
• have greater instability
• have less sex and it is less satisfying (that one is kind of a shocker eh?)
• Increased substance abuse and decreased education

So really it's not the best way to go about things! Many people believe it's the best way to decide if a marriage will succeed when in reality cohabitating before marriage could weaken the marriage. This could result from the establishment of patterns. Often whatever patterns a couple has before marriage they will keep in marriage. Therefore it is important to discuss habits and patterns and make a plan for how to implement new patterns.

There is a little information that I have learned the past couple days. And now, with the knowledge I have gained, I have come to realize how important marriage really is and also the courtship process.

I'm supposed to be posting every week but I've fallen a bit behind. Out discussions in class are great but none have had such an impact on me as our last one that I blogged about. This week we've been discussing gender roles which always leads to much discussion. Sometimes I wish that we had more diversity in my class so that there were different view points. The majority of the class are Mormon females with only three males. I think it would be interesting to have a non LDS woman's perspective on our discussions because I believe some of their views would be different.

I have a testimony of our divine roles and I do believe that men and women, as outlined in the Proclamation to the World, have different responsibilities and roles but are equal. We watched a John Stossel NCB clip about men and women and their differences. There were a few women interviewed who were extreme feminists and wanted men and women to be completely equal in all things and believed that women should sue every time they are treated unequally. While I agree that both genders should be treated equally I also realize that men and women have been blessed with different abilities and traits that help us to balance each other out. Women don't have to be as course and physically strong as men in order to be equal to them. Women should have the chance to succeed but we don't need to sue at the drop of a hat! I am very grateful for our differences. They allow us to balance each other out. And I am grateful for the knowledge and testimony that I have received in my life of these divine traits and responsibilities.

Three to Four Generations...

Today in class we talked about genograms, which are a way to map out families and the relationships within families. Genograms allow us to recognize patterns that occur within the family and are usually intergenerational. Often genograms consist of three to four generations of a family. Why map out three or four generations of a family? It's long enough to see patterns emerge and it is also long enough to see behaviors change, possible find the "transitional" member who has made a change. From a family systems perspective things don't just happen in a family. We perpetuate behaviors and attitudes throughout generations.

Looking at it from a doctrinal perspective is also really interesting. In the scriptures the Lord mentions consequences of one generation affecting three or four generations after. In Deuteronomy 5:9 the Lord tells the people that if they don't repent he will visit "the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of that hate me" and again in D&C 124:50 the Lord says "the iniquity and transgression of my holy laws and commandments I will visit upon the heads of those who hindered my work, unto the third and fourth generation, so long as they repent not, and hate me." WOW. How powerful is that? It really made me think about the choices that have been made by those who have gone before me and the choices I will make that will affect those who come after me. I have seen examples in my own life of the impact of decisions made by one person on the generation/s that followed. I have seen families suffer. I wonder how soon it will take for those patterns to be broken. Some could look at this and say that the Lord is being unfair, by punishing those not involved in the actual sin. But the Lord has given us agency. We make our own choices. And sometimes we are so caught up in our own choice making and individual feelings that we don't realize how actions influence those around us. The Lord cannot take away consequences. He is also bound by laws and when we make a choice, good or bad, there is a consequence that follows. And the consequence can influence generations. I see it more as the Lord is begging us, as the keepers of His children, to make the right choices for HIS children. I don't have children so I can't come close to imagining the love the Lord must feel for His children but I know that He has a great capacity to love, more so than we will ever be able to comprehend in this life. How He must ache when He watches one child make a wrong choice and then in turn watch how that choice pains His other children.

Every day I become more and more amazed at the family unit and it's importance in this life. There is so much we can learn about an individual just by looking at his/her family. What better way to learn more about oneself than by observing the family unit and patterns and behaviors passed down through the generations. If you are someone who finds yourself a part of a family that is in a rut or perhaps struggling with patterns that have been set for ages it doesn't have to stay that way. Be the transitional person. This is the person who decides to make a change, to stop the tradition and be better. For example a man who's father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were all alcoholics decides he won't. He is changing the behavior. A mother who decides that she won't yell and scream at her children because that's what her mother and grandmother did. In someways we can all be the transition person in our families. Will it be easy? Probably not. When we experience stress we often result to that which is familiar to us-what our parents did. Being a part of a family is stressful, it takes work, strong functional families are INTENTIONAL families. Being intentional obviously requires hard work.

So today I have found myself thinking about my family and the generations before, looking for patterns. We were all sent to our families for a reason. I don't believe it is coincidence. Here are some questions I've been contemplating:

So why was I sent to the family I was? Why were you?

How important is my placement on this Earth and in my family?

How will I influence those around me?

What transitions will I make or new habits I will create within my family?

I am grateful for those who were transitional people in my family. Thank you for being brave and having the courage to make the difference. I am grateful for my grandparents who were a little better than their parents, my parents who were better than their parents, and I hope that someday I can be better and that my children will also be better. I don't want my choices to hurt the next generation. I hope that I was able to convey my insights and that it can help you to make a transition. I don't remember who said it but I love it: salvation is an individual matter but exaltation is a family matter.

Interesting Trend

This week we talked about some recent trends happening in the family. None of these trends are new to me, it is all stuff I have heard before such as cohabitation, delayed marriage, divorce, employed mothers, premarital sex, birth rates, and so on. But one thing that did stand out to me was birth rates. Birth rates began to decline in the 1950's but then leveled off around the mid 1990's. But did you know that the rate is now lower than what is necessary for natural replacement of the population? Well, it is. That I did not know! If the birth rate continues to stay so low than without immigration the U.S population will decline. That is very interesting to me and it could have many future repercussions.

Living alone is another trend that is increasing. More and more people are opting to live alone for various reasons. We discussed the pros and cons of living alone. It is nice to live alone(I often dream of it), have your own space, and be able to think and do things by yourself. But if one is living alone they must find ways to fulfill intimate needs. I have thought much about this because I will be graduating soon and off to live by myself and who knows how long I will be living alone. I don't want to become a hermit and I will need to find a way to have my relationship and intimacy needs filled. How will I do that? I can create relationships with the people I work with, in my ward, and in other social contexts. It will definitely be a stretch for me because I am not outgoing. I will have to be though, because I will probably be going to a place where I know NO ONE.

This class has already got me thinking about some of the changes I need to make in my life, perhaps I should reconsider the whole living alone thing. I've been looking forward to it for so long but maybe being alone and taking care of myself is too much of an individualistic view. I have always known the importance of family, mine is so important to me. But I am beginning to realize how truly important it is in so many aspects. I am excited to learn more and to develop a stronger testimony of family!

Beginning

Hello family, friends, classmates, and any others who may read this blog. This blog fulfills a class assignment for my family 160 class, Family Relations. I am so excited for this class. I am excited to learn about the family and what makes it tick. I really enjoy studying the family, relationships within the family, and how it all functions. On this blog I will be recording new truths, insights, or anything I find valuable from my learnings. I will often bear my testimony about the importance of families and their place in society. The family needs to be protected, it is the fundamental unit of society. To the left of this post is a list of blogs, these are the blogs of my classmates and I encourage my readers to visit those pages as well to gain new insights and learnings. And of course comments are always welcome. I hope that this semester I will be able to share my findings with many of you and that you may also gain new insights and a strengthened testimony of family.