The New Family

This past week we discussed the new family. A newly married couple and the tasks they have to perform. We also discussed introducing a new baby into the family and how to avoid the baby blues. A newly married couple has many tasks that they must perform. They have to establish patterns, create boundaries, and learn how to resolve conflicts just to name a few. It is crucial that a couple create their own family unit. A man and a woman both leave their families to make their own, but sometimes they don't separate themselves completely. If this cutting of the strings doesn't happen then it could cause problems in the future. I'm not saying that a new couple shouldn't still have connections with their families but they need to establish their own patterns and rules for their household. One can't always be running back home in order to resolve conflict. It can be difficult and sometimes the extended family has a hard time letting go but it is so important that they let the new couple create their own family unit.

A couple may finally be situated and have their patterns established when a new baby is born. This new baby will tip all of that upside down. Brand new patterns must be developed and there is a rearranging of boundaries. There is a baby to bond with now. We discussed how often dads get left out of the process. The father needs to know that he is important and he should be involved in as much events as possible. Something else that often happens during this time is that the extended family becomes too enmeshed. While it is important to involve the extended family it shouldn't be to the point where the father feels left out. What often happens is that the wife becomes greatly attached to her mother, sisters, aunts, or other during this time. The wife may spend more time away from home visiting her mother and then the husband doesn't get the time to bond with baby and mom. I know that I have seen this happen to people in my own life. Children can bring a couple closer or it can break them apart. It all depends on how they handle it. Outside help is often very beneficial but the basic unit of the family sometimes becomes too absorbed with people outside the unit. While this time is a joyous time after a while reality sets in and that is when the couple will struggle. And when the crisis or trial comes that is an opportunity for the new family to grow and become stronger. The strong and functional family is intentional. Be intentional. The new family needs to recognize that they need to be their own unit and the extended family needs to realize and allow the new family to do just that. It won't be easy, but then again nothing really ever is. But it will help the family to develop stronger ties to each other and become a better family. It is a growing experience for everyone.

Quote

There is a quote that my teacher has quoted a couple times in class that has really stood out to me. I can't remember who said it first but I believe it was a psychologist or therapist.

"Love is the degree to which we are committed to somebody's spiritual growth and well being"

I absolutely love this! There are so many different kinds of love and often the love we feel for someone changes throughout a relationship. I think that it is easy, in the beginning of a relationship, to get caught up in passionate love or eros which is a Greek word for the type of love between a man and woman, it's romantic and has a longing to be with the other. But when we truly love someone we are concerned about their well-being and not what we can get out of the relationship. This can be a love for a spouse, friend, child, or other family member. Are we striving to help them become a better person? Do we want the best for them? Often this gets overlooked in a relationship that only has passion because we are only thinking about what we will get out of the relationship. When we get past the passion we can see the person for who he or she really is. Not just an object of our desire.

The love that the above quote describes is a companionate love. This is a love in which you see and know the other person's faults and weaknesses but you love them anyways. The couple works together to make each other better and doesn't place one or the other on a pedestal. There are shared goals and a process of building and support. The difficult thing is that the media sells us passionate love. Movies, books, songs, and many other sources lead us to believe that passionate love will last forever and that the physical is all that is needed. Through the media Satan sells us these lies and sometimes we buy it. But to have a relationship that will last we need companionate love, a love in which we are concerned about the other person's spiritual, mental, and physical needs. The couple that shares a companionate love can build a marriage and a family on a strong foundation. And it is the family that is so important to society. And it is the family that Satan is striving to destroy and one of his tactics is by making us believe that passionate love, the physical attraction and lust, is all that is needed. When in reality it is just a factor, there is so much more.

I would encourage everyone to evaluate their relationships and discover what kind of love those relationships are based on. And then remember to forget yourself and love others, be concerned with their lives and what they are striving for. And whether it is a friendship, family relationship, or a relationship with a significant other, strive to build each other up and make each other better.

3 Ps

We talked about dating and courtship a couple weeks ago. And I know that a few from the class have already blogged about this but I found it really interesting. Often people look to the guy to initiate a date and can't remember which General Authority said this but he said that a date should have 3 Ps

• Planned Ahead
• Paired Off
• Payed for

I think those are great guidelines. We talked about how important these three elements are in a date because it allows for a couple to really get to know each other by spending time together and participating in an activity, not just "hanging out". Well, Brother Williams, then compared these three Ps to the roles of the father outlined in The Proclamation to the World. They are preside, protect, and provide. The six Ps parallel each other perfectly! It was a connection I'd never seen before!

Planned ahead and preside. If a man can plan a date and be prepared then he should be able to preside over a family. He knows how to plan things and he is prepared for what may happen.

Paired off and protect. When a couple is paired off a man needs to protect his date not only from physical danger but also spiritually. Is he willing to walk out of the movie with you? Does he respect you enough to not make you do anything you don't want or shouldn't be doing?

Payed for and provide. By paying for the date the man has shown that he can provide.

While some of these things may not be apparent in the first date as a couple gets to know each other they will discover more and more about each other. I thought this connection was very interesting and a new way to look at dating. The patterns established during dating will show in the marriage and that includes finances and planning. It is through dating that you find out what kind of marriage partner the other will be.

Cohabitation

Lately we have been discussing finding a mate and marriage. On Friday we talked a little about cohabitation. It is now considered norm, over half Americans cohabitate before marriage. I know a few people who cohabitate especially those I graduated with. And I've always thought that if I wasn't Mormon and didn't have the knowledge and standards I do then I would probably cohabitate with a significant other (shhhh) But on Friday I learned some statistics about cohabitation that I would've never suspected. For Example...

Cohabitating Couples...

• have higher divorce rates (among those who later marry)
• have lower quality of relationships
• there is a greater risk of abuse
• have greater instability
• have less sex and it is less satisfying (that one is kind of a shocker eh?)
• Increased substance abuse and decreased education

So really it's not the best way to go about things! Many people believe it's the best way to decide if a marriage will succeed when in reality cohabitating before marriage could weaken the marriage. This could result from the establishment of patterns. Often whatever patterns a couple has before marriage they will keep in marriage. Therefore it is important to discuss habits and patterns and make a plan for how to implement new patterns.

There is a little information that I have learned the past couple days. And now, with the knowledge I have gained, I have come to realize how important marriage really is and also the courtship process.

I'm supposed to be posting every week but I've fallen a bit behind. Out discussions in class are great but none have had such an impact on me as our last one that I blogged about. This week we've been discussing gender roles which always leads to much discussion. Sometimes I wish that we had more diversity in my class so that there were different view points. The majority of the class are Mormon females with only three males. I think it would be interesting to have a non LDS woman's perspective on our discussions because I believe some of their views would be different.

I have a testimony of our divine roles and I do believe that men and women, as outlined in the Proclamation to the World, have different responsibilities and roles but are equal. We watched a John Stossel NCB clip about men and women and their differences. There were a few women interviewed who were extreme feminists and wanted men and women to be completely equal in all things and believed that women should sue every time they are treated unequally. While I agree that both genders should be treated equally I also realize that men and women have been blessed with different abilities and traits that help us to balance each other out. Women don't have to be as course and physically strong as men in order to be equal to them. Women should have the chance to succeed but we don't need to sue at the drop of a hat! I am very grateful for our differences. They allow us to balance each other out. And I am grateful for the knowledge and testimony that I have received in my life of these divine traits and responsibilities.