Cohabitation

Lately we have been discussing finding a mate and marriage. On Friday we talked a little about cohabitation. It is now considered norm, over half Americans cohabitate before marriage. I know a few people who cohabitate especially those I graduated with. And I've always thought that if I wasn't Mormon and didn't have the knowledge and standards I do then I would probably cohabitate with a significant other (shhhh) But on Friday I learned some statistics about cohabitation that I would've never suspected. For Example...

Cohabitating Couples...

• have higher divorce rates (among those who later marry)
• have lower quality of relationships
• there is a greater risk of abuse
• have greater instability
• have less sex and it is less satisfying (that one is kind of a shocker eh?)
• Increased substance abuse and decreased education

So really it's not the best way to go about things! Many people believe it's the best way to decide if a marriage will succeed when in reality cohabitating before marriage could weaken the marriage. This could result from the establishment of patterns. Often whatever patterns a couple has before marriage they will keep in marriage. Therefore it is important to discuss habits and patterns and make a plan for how to implement new patterns.

There is a little information that I have learned the past couple days. And now, with the knowledge I have gained, I have come to realize how important marriage really is and also the courtship process.

I'm supposed to be posting every week but I've fallen a bit behind. Out discussions in class are great but none have had such an impact on me as our last one that I blogged about. This week we've been discussing gender roles which always leads to much discussion. Sometimes I wish that we had more diversity in my class so that there were different view points. The majority of the class are Mormon females with only three males. I think it would be interesting to have a non LDS woman's perspective on our discussions because I believe some of their views would be different.

I have a testimony of our divine roles and I do believe that men and women, as outlined in the Proclamation to the World, have different responsibilities and roles but are equal. We watched a John Stossel NCB clip about men and women and their differences. There were a few women interviewed who were extreme feminists and wanted men and women to be completely equal in all things and believed that women should sue every time they are treated unequally. While I agree that both genders should be treated equally I also realize that men and women have been blessed with different abilities and traits that help us to balance each other out. Women don't have to be as course and physically strong as men in order to be equal to them. Women should have the chance to succeed but we don't need to sue at the drop of a hat! I am very grateful for our differences. They allow us to balance each other out. And I am grateful for the knowledge and testimony that I have received in my life of these divine traits and responsibilities.

Three to Four Generations...

Today in class we talked about genograms, which are a way to map out families and the relationships within families. Genograms allow us to recognize patterns that occur within the family and are usually intergenerational. Often genograms consist of three to four generations of a family. Why map out three or four generations of a family? It's long enough to see patterns emerge and it is also long enough to see behaviors change, possible find the "transitional" member who has made a change. From a family systems perspective things don't just happen in a family. We perpetuate behaviors and attitudes throughout generations.

Looking at it from a doctrinal perspective is also really interesting. In the scriptures the Lord mentions consequences of one generation affecting three or four generations after. In Deuteronomy 5:9 the Lord tells the people that if they don't repent he will visit "the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of that hate me" and again in D&C 124:50 the Lord says "the iniquity and transgression of my holy laws and commandments I will visit upon the heads of those who hindered my work, unto the third and fourth generation, so long as they repent not, and hate me." WOW. How powerful is that? It really made me think about the choices that have been made by those who have gone before me and the choices I will make that will affect those who come after me. I have seen examples in my own life of the impact of decisions made by one person on the generation/s that followed. I have seen families suffer. I wonder how soon it will take for those patterns to be broken. Some could look at this and say that the Lord is being unfair, by punishing those not involved in the actual sin. But the Lord has given us agency. We make our own choices. And sometimes we are so caught up in our own choice making and individual feelings that we don't realize how actions influence those around us. The Lord cannot take away consequences. He is also bound by laws and when we make a choice, good or bad, there is a consequence that follows. And the consequence can influence generations. I see it more as the Lord is begging us, as the keepers of His children, to make the right choices for HIS children. I don't have children so I can't come close to imagining the love the Lord must feel for His children but I know that He has a great capacity to love, more so than we will ever be able to comprehend in this life. How He must ache when He watches one child make a wrong choice and then in turn watch how that choice pains His other children.

Every day I become more and more amazed at the family unit and it's importance in this life. There is so much we can learn about an individual just by looking at his/her family. What better way to learn more about oneself than by observing the family unit and patterns and behaviors passed down through the generations. If you are someone who finds yourself a part of a family that is in a rut or perhaps struggling with patterns that have been set for ages it doesn't have to stay that way. Be the transitional person. This is the person who decides to make a change, to stop the tradition and be better. For example a man who's father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were all alcoholics decides he won't. He is changing the behavior. A mother who decides that she won't yell and scream at her children because that's what her mother and grandmother did. In someways we can all be the transition person in our families. Will it be easy? Probably not. When we experience stress we often result to that which is familiar to us-what our parents did. Being a part of a family is stressful, it takes work, strong functional families are INTENTIONAL families. Being intentional obviously requires hard work.

So today I have found myself thinking about my family and the generations before, looking for patterns. We were all sent to our families for a reason. I don't believe it is coincidence. Here are some questions I've been contemplating:

So why was I sent to the family I was? Why were you?

How important is my placement on this Earth and in my family?

How will I influence those around me?

What transitions will I make or new habits I will create within my family?

I am grateful for those who were transitional people in my family. Thank you for being brave and having the courage to make the difference. I am grateful for my grandparents who were a little better than their parents, my parents who were better than their parents, and I hope that someday I can be better and that my children will also be better. I don't want my choices to hurt the next generation. I hope that I was able to convey my insights and that it can help you to make a transition. I don't remember who said it but I love it: salvation is an individual matter but exaltation is a family matter.

Interesting Trend

This week we talked about some recent trends happening in the family. None of these trends are new to me, it is all stuff I have heard before such as cohabitation, delayed marriage, divorce, employed mothers, premarital sex, birth rates, and so on. But one thing that did stand out to me was birth rates. Birth rates began to decline in the 1950's but then leveled off around the mid 1990's. But did you know that the rate is now lower than what is necessary for natural replacement of the population? Well, it is. That I did not know! If the birth rate continues to stay so low than without immigration the U.S population will decline. That is very interesting to me and it could have many future repercussions.

Living alone is another trend that is increasing. More and more people are opting to live alone for various reasons. We discussed the pros and cons of living alone. It is nice to live alone(I often dream of it), have your own space, and be able to think and do things by yourself. But if one is living alone they must find ways to fulfill intimate needs. I have thought much about this because I will be graduating soon and off to live by myself and who knows how long I will be living alone. I don't want to become a hermit and I will need to find a way to have my relationship and intimacy needs filled. How will I do that? I can create relationships with the people I work with, in my ward, and in other social contexts. It will definitely be a stretch for me because I am not outgoing. I will have to be though, because I will probably be going to a place where I know NO ONE.

This class has already got me thinking about some of the changes I need to make in my life, perhaps I should reconsider the whole living alone thing. I've been looking forward to it for so long but maybe being alone and taking care of myself is too much of an individualistic view. I have always known the importance of family, mine is so important to me. But I am beginning to realize how truly important it is in so many aspects. I am excited to learn more and to develop a stronger testimony of family!

Beginning

Hello family, friends, classmates, and any others who may read this blog. This blog fulfills a class assignment for my family 160 class, Family Relations. I am so excited for this class. I am excited to learn about the family and what makes it tick. I really enjoy studying the family, relationships within the family, and how it all functions. On this blog I will be recording new truths, insights, or anything I find valuable from my learnings. I will often bear my testimony about the importance of families and their place in society. The family needs to be protected, it is the fundamental unit of society. To the left of this post is a list of blogs, these are the blogs of my classmates and I encourage my readers to visit those pages as well to gain new insights and learnings. And of course comments are always welcome. I hope that this semester I will be able to share my findings with many of you and that you may also gain new insights and a strengthened testimony of family.